I've been doing a lot of thinking about my 19-year old son, who has been very much engaged in a personal wrestling match with the world lately. One of the things he really struggles with is being open to listening to and processing information that goes against what he has determined is "true." He fiercely wants to "win" every prospective point, and anyone who takes exception to the whole of his view is one of the "sheeple." I'm not talking about politics, I'm talking about everything from table manners and driving habits to science and medicine to breaking the law.
Sometimes I'm not even sure he believes what he is saying; he just wants to win the argument. In the past, I have felt that as his mother I needed to fight to set him right about his misguided beliefs, but I have painfully learned to patiently hear him out, calmly state my disagreement, and then walk away, regardless of what he throws out at me after that. He wins because he thinks he's had the last word; I win because I don't allow him to make me angry and upset. Furthermore, I also know that if I'm truly right, another chance will come again when he may be more receptive—or he will have learned in the roundabout the thing I was trying to save him from learning the hard way. Much of his argumentativeness comes from anger—not just anger, but also deep frustration, pain, and fear—all things that I could not hear when I was too focused on trying to correct his misguided arguments.
The social and political issues we are struggling with now come about most often when we act like adolescents, driven to adamantly "win" a point at the cost of more long-term conciliatory gains. Many people have become more like my son, in that they want you to accept what they believe wholesale and anything less renders you an idiot. We all have our beliefs and values, but the ability to remain open to listening to other perspectives is deeply important. Maybe much of what they say is misguided, but when you listen, you may hear something else—their pain, frustrations, and fear—and that is when opportunities arise to comfort and guide each other lead to understanding and greater unity.
When we don't listen, that's when the truth gets lost, 'alternate facts' are desperately thrown in any attempt to convince others their truth is THE undisputed Truth. There is then no negotiation of understanding, no resolution of cognitive dissonance, and no navigation toward compromise because the so-called truth gets butchered in the emotionally desperate process of reducing any opposing view into mincemeat. We must choose our arguments wisely and make more effort to listen, foster empathy, and to educate at the right moments—otherwise no one wins, and we remain locked in our personal wrestling matches with each other and the world.
Sometimes I'm not even sure he believes what he is saying; he just wants to win the argument. In the past, I have felt that as his mother I needed to fight to set him right about his misguided beliefs, but I have painfully learned to patiently hear him out, calmly state my disagreement, and then walk away, regardless of what he throws out at me after that. He wins because he thinks he's had the last word; I win because I don't allow him to make me angry and upset. Furthermore, I also know that if I'm truly right, another chance will come again when he may be more receptive—or he will have learned in the roundabout the thing I was trying to save him from learning the hard way. Much of his argumentativeness comes from anger—not just anger, but also deep frustration, pain, and fear—all things that I could not hear when I was too focused on trying to correct his misguided arguments.
The social and political issues we are struggling with now come about most often when we act like adolescents, driven to adamantly "win" a point at the cost of more long-term conciliatory gains. Many people have become more like my son, in that they want you to accept what they believe wholesale and anything less renders you an idiot. We all have our beliefs and values, but the ability to remain open to listening to other perspectives is deeply important. Maybe much of what they say is misguided, but when you listen, you may hear something else—their pain, frustrations, and fear—and that is when opportunities arise to comfort and guide each other lead to understanding and greater unity.
When we don't listen, that's when the truth gets lost, 'alternate facts' are desperately thrown in any attempt to convince others their truth is THE undisputed Truth. There is then no negotiation of understanding, no resolution of cognitive dissonance, and no navigation toward compromise because the so-called truth gets butchered in the emotionally desperate process of reducing any opposing view into mincemeat. We must choose our arguments wisely and make more effort to listen, foster empathy, and to educate at the right moments—otherwise no one wins, and we remain locked in our personal wrestling matches with each other and the world.
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